How to Make Friends When You’re A Busy Adult
This post is a pretty timely one for me to write. I recently attended a virtual panel with guests Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman, the authors of Big Friendship. This book explores how the two friends have maintained their decade-long relationship. It reminded me how I was slacking in my existing relationships and how to nurture the ones that will begin to bloom. I hope you walk away with some great insight, just like Alisa did on Seriously Though (episodes 4 and 5).
Making friends can be scary, uncomfortable, and just plain awkward even as an adult. Gone are the days of finding common ground with people we meet in classrooms and extra curricular activities. Many of us have to now actively seek out our friendships. It requires a bit of chasing, which can be outside of our comfort zone.
The Seriously Though podcast explored this very topic based on Dr. Marisa G. Franco’s research on friendship. In it she explains how to make and maintain friendships as an adult. I walked away with some great tips that I encourage you to incorporate in your own relationships.
So, how do you make friends as a busy adult?
Take initiative. Sometimes you have to be the one doing the chasing. It’d be nice if we could sit back and wait for invitations to come in the mail — turns out other people want the same in return. So the next time you feel lonely or are in need of some human connection, do the inviting.
Look back at the people you’ve exchanged numbers with after meeting them at a recent event (or online!) and invite them to a virtual coffee. Alternatively, think long and hard about the conversation you had with the person. If you remember getting excited over a common hobby you both shared, try doing it together.
“But I’m an introvert!”
For the introverts who think they can’t take initiative, think again! When you find yourself full of energy to hang out with other people, take advantage and seek out those potential friends. Also, the key to maintaining a solid relationship is good communication, so express when you are too drained to hang out when a friend extends an invite. Part of the benefit of taking initiative is taking control over the situation. Whether you prefer a low-key day or a high-energy one, you are the one that gets to set the initial boundaries.
Send a text. It’s not only difficult to make friends as an adult, it’s also hard to keep them. Our busy schedules distract us from checking up on our loved ones. So when you find yourself visiting a place your closest friend loves, text them to let them know that they were on your mind. Receiving that kind of message is a satisfying feeling and it reminds your friend that you haven’t forgotten about them.
Be secure in yourself. Everyone has at least one friend who isn’t the best at texting. To some, not receiving a response after a few days signals the end of the relationship. But there is no need to be hasty, especially with someone you liked enough to call a friend. As adults, there are so many moving parts in our lives. From working on the weekdays, to finding the time to work out, to tending to our family, all while maintaining some sort of sanity. When a friend doesn’t get back to you or leaves a cryptic message you’re not sure how to decipher, don’t take it personally.
Part of being an adult is knowing how to communicate. When you feel excluded or disrespected, that is the perfect opportunity to talk over your feelings. This can open up a new side of your friendship and can even clear up any misunderstandings.
Be persistent. Consistency is key across everything we do in life. Making friends isn’t an exception! You may find yourself heading to the same coffee shops or park, hoping to spark a conversation with a stranger that can lead to more. After several tries you may not come across any luck and will rule out making friends all together. Stay optimistic about the prospect of gaining a friend! It takes time and sometimes requires going to the same places over and over again to be noticed by another regular. Think about whether you’re trying hard enough, whether you should visit different areas in your city, or if you’re initiating (remember, take initiative!) any conversations.
Reach out. If reaching out to people in person seems a bit daunting, social media is there to take away that unnecessary stress. Comment on someone’s social media post or DM them about a post that resonated with you. This is a great way to connect with someone who lives in a different part of the country/world as you. When you visit their area, you now have a friend to show you around and who you can finally meet in person.
Just because a conversation is happening behind a screen does not mean it can’t be a meaningful one. Use that opportunity as a way to ease into a relationship. The worst that can happen is not receiving a response, which again, you should not take personally.
Want more friendship tips? Listen to friendship expert Dr. Marisa G. Franco herself on the Color Forward podcast - episodes 28 and 29 (because these friendship conversations are too important not to keep talking about!).
